Health, Aging & Money: Talking to Your Parents about Independent Living

Etiquette mavens proclaim that you should never discuss money, health or illness in polite society. Families also have a list of topics not to be mentioned over the dinner table. It might be Joe’s job prospects, Bill and Susan’s family planning or Harry’s vegan diet. Communication between children and parents can be fraught with challenges.

We may all aspire to having the natural and open conversations we see on our favorite sitcom, but the reality is that we have history with one another. So having the talk with your parents about moving to independent living is probably not on your to-do list. But the experts agree this is one conversation you need to have and you need to have it now.

One reason so many of us are reluctant to have “the talk” is because it appears to shift the dynamics between parents and child. However, that doesn’t have to be the case if you follow three basic steps.

Step One: Do Your Homework

Before you say anything to anyone, you need to do your homework to get your ducks in order.

1. 1. Create a specific list of concerns you have about your older parents. Are you seeing them struggle with everyday activities? Has their health changed significantly? Is their safety at home becoming an issue? Be as objective as possible and literally make a list.
2. 2. Find out what today’s senior living looks like. Learn about the differences between independent living, assisted living, life plan communities and 55+ communities. Keep in mind you’re not making a choice for them. You’re simply arming yourself with facts and options.
3. 3. Have the conversation before you need to make a decision. Being proactive instead of reactive gives you the opportunity to make the best decision for your parents and not the simplest decision. Look for an organic moment and ask an open-ended question. Then sit back and listen.

Step Two: Listen, Listen, then Listen Again

Talking to your parents about senior living and how they want to live their life after retirement isn’t a one-and-done kind of conversation. Once you’ve broached the subject, let the conversation evolve naturally. Asking what if questions can help you understand why your parents might be hesitant about a move to independent living or assisted living. But how do you start?

1. 1. Ask your parents how they see their future and how they have planned for it. Have they thought about living with one of your siblings? Are they planning to remain in the family home to age in place like nearly 80% of American seniors? Let them tell you what they want.
2. 2. Have these conversations in person and face-to-face. This isn’t something to bring up on a Zoom call or on speakerphone as you run errands. And, if you have siblings, it’s best if everyone is in the room. Growing older doesn’t mean your teen feelings of being left out are no longer a thing.
3. 3. Use your indoor voice and bring your patience and empathy to the table. If Mom or Dad feels like they’re being told what’s going to happen, they’ll shut down faster than a moody teen. Keep the focus on the positive aspects of what they want, not what they’re going to lose.
4. 4. Give everyone time to process. The majority of families (75%) have never talked to one another about the future beyond vague platitudes. Where we live matters to us. In many ways, it helps define us. So don’t expect a quick decision.

Step Three: Prepare for the Future

The more conversations you have, the easier it will be to get a clearer picture of how your parents see their future. Once they’ve articulated what they want, it’s time to focus on how they can achieve it. To do that, you’ll need specific answers to detail-oriented questions.

1. 1. Are their legal affairs in order? Do they have a current will? Does someone have a durable power of attorney for financial and legal matters? Do they have a living will so you know their end-of-life care plan? Who has power of attorney for medical matters? Once the legal papers are ready, ask them where they keep important documents like their military discharge papers, marriage license, birth certificates etc. And share this knowledge about where everything is kept with your siblings.
2. 2. Talk to your folks about their financial resources. Do they have long-term care insurance? How much have they saved for future care? Since Medicare won’t pay for assisted living or skilled nursing, do they have a plan to cover these expenses? Have they worked with a financial advisor to secure their retirement income?
3. 3. Take the time to learn about your parents’ health. Do they have a single care provider overseeing their care or do they see multiple specialists? Does their pharmacist conduct an annual review of their prescriptions to check for potential red flags? What Medicare parts do they have and do they have any other health insurance?
4. 4. Create a contact list to be shared with everyone. In an emergency, you don’t want to be hunting for their primary care doctor’s phone number. Beyond the obvious contacts, be sure to include the addresses and phone numbers of their closest friends and extended family.

Like most things in life, these conversations won’t always go according to plan. To avoid information overload, which will shut down a conversation fast, take it slow and adjust the above steps to your family’s individual needs.

When your parents are ready to actively consider the idea of moving to independent or assisted living, schedule a tour of one of our four unique communities. No matter which one you choose to visit, we believe seeing our residents live active and purpose-driven lives will help your parents picture what their future could be.

If you’d like more assistance in how to talk to your parents about senior living, give one of our communities a call today.